Much to the consternation and protest of my (hopefully) more developed ability to write and express and evolved maturity, I decided to go back through old Xanga. (Shall I reveal its whereabouts? My misgivings notwithstanding, I give you, Xanga.) Mostly, it was a collection of uber-emo, attention-whoring garbage — starting with the tagline:

“i look at husbands the same way i look at tattoos: like i want one, but i can’t decide on what, and i don’t want to be stuck with something that i’m gonna grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later. why can’t i just have a henna husband?”

Christ. I wanted to hurl, throw something, hurl again, then yell at my former self, who was such a goddamned poser obviously only soliciting for eprops (speaking of which, who the hell came up with the idea of allowing TWO eprops per post? I remember the one time my buddy gave me only 1 eprop for a post. Pissed me off more than if he’d given me none at all). I also hated myself for the recognition and admission that I still hang onto that dogged refusal to capitalize, namely on my Facebook (I blame e.e. cummings). That’s the end of that era, then.

Admittedly, there were a few (very few), albeit somewhat unrefinedly worded (is unrefinedly itself an unrefinedly worded word?) moments of clarity amidst all that lingering post-adolescent angst and still nascent process of adult-self-discovery that I could at least take away to… I don’t know, build my current foundation of “experience” and “age-based ‘wisdom'” upon, I suppose. Here was one thing I’d written (somewhat edited):

Saturday, September 09, 2006

The answer is always in your heart. Wisdom is finding that answer, true courage is following through on that answer, and integrity is staying true to what’s right.

That said:

Does closing your heart to people make you a cold person?
Does not caring make you a heartless person?
Does not giving second chances make you an unforgiving person?


Does opening up your heart make you “easy”?
Does caring make you a overemotional?
Does forgiving make you a pushover or a coward?

Although the rest sort of wavers in significance depending on the exact situations in points in time of my life, that first line, “The answer is always in your heart…” et al, is a philosophy that I’ve always carried with me and believed in.

I suppose I should provide some insight as to why I’m piecing together these nuggets, scrounging them up from the murky vortex of my young adult life. I have this choice to make. A difficult choice that only a true desire to try to be older and wiser and good motivate me to make.

I have my reservations about whether I in fact truly have been forced into a crossroads where I have to make this choice now. Maybe I’m only creating a situation for myself where a difficult choice has to be made, by virtue of creating that situation. Also, change always heralds fear, and change is not always good.

But then again:

Monday, May 08, 2006

Growing accustomed to something, having something there, is a dangerous thing to get used to. Taking things for granted, presumptions, are fate’s most powerful weapons against you.
Let us depart from the familiar and indulge ourselves in something beyond our comprehension, our world.
Though I’m not as much a believer as a giver of chances, I know I cannot settle for that which fails to fulfill my own dreams.

I’m having a hard time listening to myself, because I’m so hindered by the outside noise of guilt and specious logic and loyalties and sympathy to properly hear what exactly it is that I want. Or maybe I already know, but I’m letting myself be hindered by the guilt and specious logic and loyalties and sympathy to not make the hard choices. To accept the real consequences of my actions and indulging/not indulging my true wants in the first place. I still selfishly want everything, but then I also “selflessly” want nothing.

Or maybe I just want to be young and foolish and “carefree” (although the emo-ness of my Xanga would indicate otherwise, and I’d be hard-pressed to argue that I wasn’t full of more angst and worry then than I am now) “again”. On Thursday, Jan. 6, 2005, I quoted The Picture of Dorian Gray, an undeniable Oscar Wilde classic:

“A blush is very becoming, Duchess,” remarked Lord Henry.
“Only when one is young,” she answered. “When an old woman like myself blushes, it is a very bad sign. Ah! Lord Henry, I wish you would tell me how to become young again.”
He thought for a moment. “Can you remember any great error that you committed in your early days, Duchess?” he asked, looking at her across the table.
“A great many, I fear,” she cried.
“Then commit them over again,” he said gravely. “To get back one’s youth, one has merely to repeat one’s follies.”
“A delightful theory!” she exclaimed. “I must put it into practice.”
“Yes,” he continued, “that is one of the great secrets of life. Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes.”

P.S. On a lighter note, a tidbit I discovered on Friday, Oct. 29, 2004, apparently from the SOPi National Website “Diaries” section:

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The Chinese man replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”


One thought on “Wants

  1. Pingback: Locker Room | Love Games, or the Lack Thereof

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