College game

As an English and Journalism “specialist” (at least according to my college and graduate school degrees), one thing I always like to pay attention to is how, not even eloquently my or other people’s writing comes across, but just how thoughts are voiced and sentences are constructed in their pithiest, most elucidative expression, without the embellishment of excess onomatopoeia or frivolous emoticons or sPeLLiNgZ lyK DiS.

That’s why reading through my writing in the past fills me with nothing more than disgust and consternation. A writer with any faith in his/her craft prides his/herself on the ability to arrange inspirations and words in a way no other individual can. But a writer who takes faith in her craft while writing like a pre-teen high on glue deserves to be shot.

I must be a masochist to reveal these choice online conversation bits to you. Without ado, we commence with:

* * * * * * *

Fry

June 13, 2005
SENDER: Irene
SUBJECT: hello =]

heya… remember me? it’s irene from berk sopi! how u doin? neway you’re the only sc paphi i know so was wondering if i could get ur social’s contact so i can make u come out to our events haha ;] anywayz, it would be great if you could msg me back – hope all’s well! -irene

June 15, 2005
SENDER: Fry

haha what sup, i remember you…you crazy drunk bastard. you should know eric too, he was part of that drunken debauchery too that night

mmm…just get ahold of me if you want us to come out, we don’t have a social chair right now.

come hang out in SC some time.

June 17, 2005
SENDER: Irene

aww “crazy drunk bastard” is too harsh! i prefer fun =] do u have aim? look forward to me harrassing u since u don’t have that social to act as a buffer ;]

what’s there to do in sc?

June 17, 2005
SENDER: FRY

ahaha…my AIM is ‘tehfry’ hit me upppp

SC is great. there’s the beach…uh…the boardwalk…downtown… good mexican food… good mountain biking and hike trails…and my apartment is like…super fun.

yeah. roll through.

NOTES:

  • “heya”: who uses this word past the age of 13?
  • “neway” + “anywayz”: two different misspellings of the word “anyway” within one graf? yeah. and for that matter,
  • “=]” + “;]”two emoticons in one message? oh brother.
  • “haha ;]”: yes, because laughing onomatopoeia — in conjunction with a winking emoticon — is always so charming
  • “aww ‘crazy drunk bastard’ is too harsh!: oh, the ever slick opening to a retort
  • “i prefer fun”: gag.

I mean, never mind the misspellings and the missing commas and incorrect hyphens and all that other copy editing minutiae I’ve since picked up as reporter/editor on the job. A to Z, my messages and substandard composition scream, lack of intelligent self-expression! There’s an intial effort at subtle hinting here, but it’s all but destroyed by a fear that recipient will miss out on surreptitious messages and ensuing overclarifications.

This same phenomenon is all too painfully evident in the next correspondence with:

* * * * * * *

Chris

March 2, 2006
SENDER: Chris
SUBJECT: hello

whatcha doin this weekend? shee gan joom es oh yo (do you have time)? ; )

March 2, 2006
SENDER: Irene

hm, waeyo (why)? is there a reason i should stay free? ;]

I mean, honestly, I couldn’t have just resisted the temptation to not include an emoticon per every message I send to anybody?! And I don’t think I even need to mention the obvious neediness of my response here.

Bad game, however, isn’t a transgression committed only by me. I was surprised to find remaining inbox a number of messages from strangers who had attempted to become Facebook friends with me in attempt to achieve god knows what. A few choice bits from the creepers of “thefacebook”.

* * * * * * *

Larry 

February 1, 2005
SENDER: Irene

you friend requested me. who r u?

February 2, 2005
SENDER: Larry

my nipples get hard every time i look at ur picture…..will u be my frieeeeend?!

* * * * * * *

Charlie

April 17, 2005
SENDER: Charlie

Hi, my name is Charlie. Im not some lonely freak trying to make friends on thefacebook, but im just trying to see how many people i can be connected to on thefacebook (and perhaps break the world record… right). I started by sending everyone a friend request, but apparently theres a limit on many friend requests you can have, so if you could please add me as a friend that would be cool. If not, then whatever. sall good. To add me as a friend just goto http://missouri.thefacebook.com/LINK.

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