Having worked as a bartender for going on two and a half months now, I’ve observed my share of human psychology as it relates to bar politics. Now, back when I first nabbed the gig, the comment I heard most from male friends was, “I bet you’re going to get hit on A LOT.” While this hasn’t necessarily been true — I don’t spend the bulk of my shifts batting away inebriated would-be suitors, and I don’t consequently feel constantly violated by having to play the face at a nightlife venue — I have come up with my own list of what accounts for good bar behavior, but more of what really pisses bartenders off.
Without ado, I give you:
16 golden tips for hitting on a bartender
1. DO dress like a slob.
2. DO hand her a $100 bill to ring up a $18 order, only to leave little to no tip.
3. DO close the bill every time on your credit card purchases. There’s nothing like having to wait for the machine to approve your transactions when a million customers are screaming for her attention elsewhere.
4. DO leave little to no tip.
5. DO try repeatedly to grab her attention while she’s trying to serve 5 other customers at the same time. Snapping your fingers, clapping your hands, and slamming down on the bar earns you extra brownie points. Reaching out to grab her hand/arm/shirt/side wins the battle.
6. DO creepily stare at her, hoping to God that she’ll strike up a conversation with you first. Especially useful to do this when you are NOT ordering a drink.
7. DO expect her to carry on the conversation, once you’ve gotten her to break the ice with you.
8. DO leave little to no tip.
9. DO try to cozy up to the bar bouncers and get them to team up with you to, per Barney Stinson, put a girl down. Bartenders are busy, but it’s possible they still have the time and energy for that shit.
10. DON’T buy lots of drinks at the bar and tip generously. God knows a bartender loves a cheap customer who also needs lots of attention.
11. DO leave little to no tip.
12. DO demand that she leave the bar to come and dance with you. She doesn’t want to be working on the job. In fact, she wants to get in deep shit with her managers for slacking off on the job, as long as it’s for you.
13. DO ask her how she ended up in a bar when she could have had a better career given her looks and smarts. Ever heard of a second job?
14. DO spill your drink all over the bar and generally make a mess of her workspace.
15. DO ask her what time she gets off and offer to wait for her so you two can go eat. God knows the first thing a bartender wants to do after hours of standing on heels being ogled at and making sure everyone except her is having a good time is have breakfast with you.
16. DO leave little to no tip.
Parting note: Getting a bartender to flirt with you is an amazing feat, given that that’s what they’re paid to do. So brag away to your boys about her asking for your number. Who cares that it’s not your balls she wants, just your cash dollars?