I think I can safely boast that I’ve got a roster of some of the worst dumping procedures (myself being the recipient, not the bestower, of course). In hindsight, I’ve been able to look past the inhumanity of it all and find the humor (self-pity) in all this, which I guess is a good thing. Or maybe I’m just jaded.
It all started in the 8th grade with Mark, who decided it would be more tasteful to hire his lackey friend Joe to do the breaking up on his behalf.
Thirty seconds after I have just called Mark to see why he’s suddenly being cold to me, Joe rings me up.
Joe: Uh, hey. It’s Joe.
Joe: Yeah, it’s Joe.
Me: (Waving my hand at the air) Yes, yes, I heard you the first time. Why’re you calling me?
The Friend: Uh, so, uh, Mark wanted me to call you.
Me: Err, okay?
Joe: Yeah, he wanted me to call you because, uh, he doesn’t think things are working out…
Me: (Unfazed, I swear) Okay, so, what, he wants to break up?
Joe: No, no! Not that, but, uh, he doesn’t think things are working out.
Me: So, what are you trying to say?
Joe: Well, he just doesn’t think things are working out.
Me: So he wants to break up?
The Friend: Um… yeah.
Me: Okay, then. (Click.)
Ninth grade wasn’t much better. For my birthday, my boyfriend Fred (read more about Fred here) of two weeks kissed me on the cheek—my first kiss from a boy ever! That same day, he confessed to me that he still had feelings for his ex. Three days later, I received an email from him saying saying he couldn’t date me because he couldn’t stand my best friend, who he referred to as a “witch.” I found out two years later the actual reason he broke up with me was because I wasn’t popular enough.
The next three are easy: cheater, cheater, and cheater. Jeremy after that technically didn’t cheat, but he did break up with me because he wanted to go to his fraternity convention and, quote, “didn’t want to feel held back from having a good time because of a girlfriend.” Then he tried to ask me back after his convention was over.
Jackie… well, Jackie deserves a story of his own.
Sometimes I wonder whether I date ineligible bachelors on purpose—whether I date men with critical red flags—just to have a way out. After all, I feel commitment-phobic about most other areas of my life (jobs, geography)—why would my love life be any different?